Okay, here we go.
Retirement planning checklist is honestly the phrase that makes my left eye twitch now, because I ignored it for so long that I’m playing catch-up in the most chaotic way possible. Like, I’m sitting here in my apartment in Austin, Texas, right now—there’s a half-drunk Topo Chico on the desk, my dog is snoring so loud it sounds like a broken chainsaw, and I just realized my 401(k) balance is basically what I used to blow on craft beer in 2016. Cool cool cool. Retirement Planning Checklist https://www.ssa.gov
Why My Retirement Planning Checklist Started with a Panic Attack at Target
Real talk: I was in the candle aisle at Target last month (don’t judge me, the fall scents were calling) when some guy my dad’s age was casually dropping six grand on a new grill like it was nothing. Meanwhile I’m over here doing mental math to see if I can afford both the $9 pumpkin candle AND groceries. That’s when it hit me—I’m gonna be the elderly person eating cat food unless I get my shit together. So yeah, that’s how my retirement planning checklist was born: in the seasonal section between “spooky” and “oh god I’m broke.” https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/investing/roth-ira-vs-traditional-ira
My Actual Retirement Planning Checklist (The One I’m Currently Failing At)
- Figure out how much I actually need. I used the Fidelity retirement calculator and almost threw my laptop. Turns out I need like four million dollars to keep my current lifestyle of tacos and thrift-store furniture. Whoops.
- Max out the damn 401(k) match. My company matches 6% and I was only putting in 4% for YEARS because I “couldn’t afford it.” Bro, that’s free money. I literally left thousands on the table because I wanted extra Whataburger runs.
- Open a Roth IRA and stop pretending Venmo is a retirement plan. I finally did this last week. Felt like an adult for exactly 30 seconds until I spent the equivalent contribution on concert tickets. Retirement Planning
- Emergency fund first, idiots (me. I’m the idiot). I had $400 in savings until literally September. Then my car died. Guess who learned the hard way? Retirement Planning Checklist
The Most Embarrassing Retirement Planning Mistakes I’ve Made (So You Don’t Have To)
I cashed out a 401(k) from an old job in 2019 to “treat myself” after a breakup. Took the 10% penalty, paid taxes, and bought a couch I hated and a trip to Tulum where I got food poisoning. 10/10 do not recommend.
Also, I thought “I’ll just marry rich” was a retirement strategy until approximately age 35. Turns out that’s… not how it works. Shocker.
Where I’m At Right Now With This Retirement Planning Checklist Thing
I’m automating everything because I cannot be trusted. 22% of my paycheck now disappears into various accounts before I can spend it on Dumb Shit™. My net worth app finally went from red to black last month and I literally took a screenshot and sent it to my group chat like a loser. Look at me adulting! Retirement Planning Checklist
Still terrified. Still have days where I google “can you live in a van in retirement” unironically. But at least I’ve started.
If you’re reading this and you’re under 30, please, for the love of god, start now. If you’re over 40 and panicking… same, join the club. Here’s the government site for Social Security estimates and here’s the Vanguard retirement calculator I actually like.
Anyway, that’s my messy retirement planning checklist. Your turn—what did I forget? Drop it in the comments because I clearly still need help. Retirement Planning
