Okay, real talk, how to start retirement planning literally hit me like a freight train last Tuesday when I opened my Fidelity app, saw the sad little $47.82 balance, and actually yelped out loud in a Chipotle parking lot in suburban Ohio. Like, full-on horror-movie gasp while salsa dripped down my shirt. I’m 38, I have a dog who eats better than I do, and I just realized I’ve been treating my future self like a distant roommate I keep ghosting.
Why I Ignored Retirement Planning for Literally Forever
I used to think retirement planning was for people who had their shit together, like, people who buy organic kale and own more than one blazer. Meanwhile I was out here in 2019 dropping $800 on VIP Coachella tickets “because YOLO,” then eating instant ramen for three weeks straight. Classic American chaos goblin behavior.
Then my dentist, my actual dentist, asked what my retirement strategy was while he had tools in my mouth. I mumbled something about crypto and he just sighed so hard I felt it in my soul. That night I stress-Googled “am I going to die broke” and ended up crying into a White Claw at 2 a.m.
First Step in My Retirement Planning Mess: Actually Looking at the Numbers
So I did the scariest thing, I made a spreadsheet. Yes, me, the guy whose budget used to be “whatever’s left after Uber Eats.” I used this free calculator from Vanguard (https://investor.vanguard.com/calculators/retirement-income-calculator) and it told me that if I keep going like this, I’ll be able to retire at age… never. Like, the number was so bad the website felt bad for me.
The Retirement Planning Moves I’m Actually Making Right Now (No BS)
- Maxed my 401(k) company match because that’s literally free money and I’m not a complete moron anymore
- Opened a Roth IRA on Fidelity because apparently you can do it drunk at 1 a.m. and it still counts (don’t judge me)
- Set up auto-transfers the day after payday so I never see the money and can’t blow it on limited-edition sneakers
- Started a “side hustle” that’s mostly just me selling my old band t-shirts on Depop but hey, $127 is $127
The Most Embarrassing Retirement Planning Mistake I Made This Month
I accidentally put $500 into a traditional IRA instead of Roth because I was distracted by a TikTok of a raccoon stealing spaghetti. Had to call customer service and explain that yes, I am this dumb, and the nice lady in Utah pretended not to laugh but I heard it.
What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Retirement Planning at 25
Compound interest is legit witchcraft. Like, if I’d started putting $200 a month away at 25 instead of buying craft beer, I’d have… (hold on, doing math)… approximately one million fewer anxiety attacks right now. Thanks, NerdWallet compound interest calculator (https://www.nerdwallet.com/calculator/compound-interest-calculator), you beautiful monster.
Anyway, I’m not fixed. My retirement planning is still held together with duct tape and delusion, but at least I started. If you’re sitting there with Chipotle breath and $47 in savings like I was, just… start. Open the stupid account. Set the stupid auto-transfer. Your future self isn’t some stranger, it’s you, and right now they’re screaming at you through time.
So yeah. That’s my retirement planning journey so far, messy, late, and deeply midwestern. Drop your own horror stories in the comments so I feel less alone.
Now if you’ll excuse me, my dog is eating another statement and I need to go cry-laugh into a weighted blanket.
