Create the Perfect Budgeting Spreadsheet for Your Goals

Okay, let’s do this.

I’m writing this from my extremely cluttered apartment in Austin, Texas, where it’s currently 2:17 a.m. and I can smell the Whataburger I DoorDashed earlier mocking me from the kitchen. My budgeting spreadsheet journey started exactly like yours probably did: with a panic attack in the Target parking lot because I’d just spent $187 on “essentials” that were mostly glittery organizational crap I never used.

Here’s the thing nobody admits: I’m a 32-year-old American who still doesn’t have her financial shit together. Like, at all. I once Venmo requested my own mom $9 for “emotional damages” after she pointed out I’d spent $400 on Uber Eats in one month. The budgeting spreadsheet I’m about to show you? It’s the only reason I’m not currently living in my car eating cold tortillas.

Why My Old Budgeting Spreadsheet Attempts Were Straight Garbage

Every “perfect” budgeting spreadsheet template I downloaded from Pinterest made me want to yeet my laptop into the Colorado River. They were all pastel colors and fake motivational quotes like “You got this, queen!” while I was literally calculating if I could survive on oatmeal and spite.

• They never had a category for “impulsive Whataburger at 1 a.m. because existential dread”
• Zero space for my very real $180 monthly subscription to anxiety meds + various streaming services I forget exist
• The fonts were too cute for someone whose credit score looks like a cry for help

So I built my own budgeting spreadsheet that judges me exactly the right amount.

The Budgeting Spreadsheet Categories That Actually Reflect My Dumb American Life

The “Please Stop” Section (aka Variable Expenses)

This is where I put everything that makes my soul leave my body:

• “Taco Emergency Fund” (don’t judge me, Texas is hard)
• “Target Was Having a Sale and I Have No Impulse Control”
• “Books I Swore Would Fix My Personality”
• “Random Amazon Packages I Don’t Remember Ordering (Drunk?)”

The “I’m An Adult, I Guess” Fixed Expenses

Rent, student loans that will outlive me, the health insurance I pay for but never use because copays are a scam.

The Guilt Column That Literally Yells At Me

I made conditional formatting turn bright red and say “REALLY???” when I go over budget. Yes, it’s passive-aggressive. Yes, it works.

How to Build Your Own Non-Boring Budgeting Spreadsheet (Zero-Based Because I’m Extra)

I use Google Sheets because Microsoft Excel costs money and I’m clearly not responsible enough for that commitment.

Here’s my exact setup (copy it, judge it, improve it, whatever):

1. Month Overview Tab – Where I put my income and watch my dreams die slowly
2. Daily Spending Log – Literally just “Date // Where My Money Went // How Mad I Am At Myself (1-10)”
3. The Shame Archive – Historical data of my worst financial decisions (surprisingly motivational)
4. Sinking Funds – For things like “Eventually Replacing the Tires I Destroyed Hitting Too Many Austin Potholes”

Pro tip: I have a tab called “If I Died Tomorrow” that calculates how long my partner could survive on my current savings. Currently: 11 days. Progress!

The Budgeting Spreadsheet Feature That Changed Everything Perfect Budgeting Spreadsheet

Okay this is embarrassing but—bear with me.

I added a column called “Would My Dog Respect Me After This Purchase?” and made it a dropdown with Yes/No/Maybe He’d Just Lick My Tears. My dog has saved me approximately $600 this year through the sheer power of imagined judgment from an 11-pound chihuahua mix.

Don’t @ me, it works.

Resources I Actually Used (Not Affiliate Links, I’m Broke)

• YNAB’s free budget template – Stole some ideas from here, hated their software price
• Google Sheets budget templates that don’t suck – The Reddit community ones are gold
• My therapist’s face when I told her I made my budgeting spreadsheet emotionally abusive toward myself (worth it)

Yeah I’m Still A Mess (But A Slightly Less Broke One) Perfect Budgeting Spreadsheet

Look, my budgeting spreadsheet isn’t pretty. It has more coffee stains than a Starbucks bathroom and categories that would make normal people clutch their pearls. But you know what? This is the first year I’ve had a positive net worth since 2019, and I haven’t had to Google “how many plasma donations until I die” in six whole months.

So download my chaotic budgeting spreadsheet template [link to my actual Google Sheet template that I will make public because I have no shame], make it weirder, make it judgier, make it yours.

Your turn—what’s the dumbest category in your budgeting spreadsheet? Drop it in the comments so we can all feel less alone in this capitalist hellscape.

(Also if anyone wants to send me Whataburger money my Venmo is literally my shame)